In My Place sequel to Foolish Games
by wdmc
Summary: Heero's on the verge of losing his identity... until he confesses.


Warnings: Angst, Heero POV.  
  
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairing: 1x2, S+2+S  
  
Song Credits: In My Place by Coldplay  
  
---1------------------------------------------------------  
  
// In my place, in my place  
  
Were lines that I couldn't change  
  
I was lost, oh yeah //  
  
It had almost become customary for me to wake up with a weight resting on my shoulder and an arm draped loosely over my waist whenever it rained the night before. As I brushed a thumb against his flushed cheeks, a soft sigh escaped his parted lips and he snuggled closer to me. He was a wonderful sight to awake to, and even more so if he didn't believe that I was his former love.  
  
Whatever I felt was always laced with heartache, but I was content.  
  
I had Duo all to myself, if only for a while, during those cold, stormy nights. It had been bittersweet, hearing him moan another's name in ecstasy as I made love to him like I had always wanted to. It was despicable of me to pretend to be someone I was not, just to earn his affections. But how could I make him see me, when he was blind to everything but him?  
  
So, I threw the little bit of what could have been called self-identity to the winds. What Duo needed was Solo, and not Heero Yuy, not the volatile one who lived life in the shadows of the former politician who advocated peace. He needed me to comfort him when he lapsed into hallucinations of him, and I needed him to ease the craving I felt for his touch, his smiles.  
  
But, as each day passed, with each kiss, each caress he bestowed on me, it had become increasingly hard to not shake him violently and demand that he saw me as me and not him. Perhaps I shouldn't have put up with the pretense in the dark, where everything in the safehouse was pitch dark and only moonlight streamed in through the broken windows. When he could only make out my silhouette, not the chocolate brown of my hair, or the deep blue of my eyes, where he could indulge in making believe that I was Solo.  
  
Maybe I should flee, from his intoxicating love, from the stifling cage that housed my heart. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.  
  
I carefully lifted his left arm off me and slid out of the sleeping bag.  
  
// I was lost, I was lost  
  
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed  
  
I was lost, oh yeah//  
  
---2------------------------------------------  
  
//Yeah, how long must you wait for him?//  
  
One would think that, having had a new lease of "life" with his dead friend, Duo would be radiant with joy, pumped full of life, but it wasn't so. With each passing day, I saw him struggle to wake up, painfully torn between imagination and reality. I saw the light in his eyes die as he did maintenance on his gundam, typed mission analysis to G. He started to falter in the simple tasks which he previously had absolutely no problems performing.  
  
Then he became reticent.  
  
I hated Solo for reducing the once talkative, chirpy, quick-witted Duo Maxwell to an unfeeling humanoid like. me. Unwilling to let him spiral down the stairway of life he had deemed so beautiful, I took it upon myself to inject a glimpse of liveliness into the already stale atmosphere. Even if it took a miracle for someone taciturn like me, a person of words terse and curt, I would try to talk to Duo, try to help him break out of his grief- induced trance.  
  
//Yeah, how long must you pay for him?//  
  
"Sun's almost set. Time to go back."  
  
". ."  
  
"Duo, let's go."  
  
"DAMN! This thing never works! I can never fix it! I can't make it work like how it used to! DAMNIT, DAMNIT! I can never fix anything! Not Solo, not myself, NOT EVER!"  
  
Pitching the screwdriver at the ground, he let out a heart-wrenching howl.  
  
"I can't live like this; I can't live when he has given up his life for my worthless one! When the plague struck, I got the antidote for them, for. him, you know? Why didn't he take it, and said that it was all too late? Why did he die when he knew that I loved him?"  
  
Fingers curled tightly in a fist, my short fingernails making deep crescents on my palm, drawing blood. The pain was minute as compared to the immense anguish that I felt. I felt control slip from me again; my thoughts forming words that I dared not speak. The dam had broken.  
  
And there was no turning back.  
  
"If you were worthless, I won't know what else I can be! I understand that the guilt you are living with is immeasurable, but must you blame yourself for the choice that he had made? You had gotten him the antidote, didn't you? He didn't love you enough to hold on to life for you, can't you see? I battle with my battered and torn self everyday just to be there for you, why aren't you aware of that?! WHY?!"  
  
Duo, didn't you know that the vines of guilt and helplessness had crept up your body, wound around your soul and bound you in their unrelenting grasp, imprisoning you in the depths of grief? The guilt would never be washed away, when you were sunken in so deep, broken so far. How long would you hold on to this ghost of Solo. as he slowly drained you of your life and every fiber of your being? Why wouldn't you just let go?  
  
I succumbed to the detestable action of crying again.  
  
//Yeah, how long must you wait for him?//  
  
---3---------------------------------------------  
  
//I was scared, I was scared  
  
Tired and under-prepared  
  
But I wait for you//  
  
A trembling hand touched my cheek tentatively, thumb tracing the track warm tears had made on their way down. Meanwhile, another hand tilted my chin up to meet his widened eyes, eyes that were helpless, eyes that were scared. Even in his state of distress, I fought to breathe in his grace. He was that stunning.  
  
"He-Hee-ro?"  
  
It was the first time I heard the ever-eloquent Duo Maxwell fumble with words.  
  
"Are you trying to joke? You know, it's not funny. not funny at all."  
  
The jester's mask was in place.  
  
//Please, please, please  
  
Come on and sing to me  
  
To me, me//  
  
"I'm the one you've kissed and touched, not Solo!"  
  
Delivering a punch square up my jaw, he hollered in my face, vocal cords straining, voice cracking:  
  
"Don't pile any of this shit on me, they were all my dreams, DREAMS, do you get it?! HEERO YUY, DO YOU GET IT?!"  
  
"Duo Maxwell, I love you!"  
  
Undaunted by his violent reaction, I nursed my bruised jaw with my left hand and tried to express with my eyes what I could not with mere words.  
  
".please. please don't love me."  
  
He pleaded in a small voice.  
  
". I can't let go of him."  
  
And ran.  
  
//If you go, if you go  
  
Leaving me here on my own  
  
Well I wait for you //  
  
Seeing him run out that door and possibly out of my life, broke my heart to pieces. But I had to tell Duo. He had to know. Otherwise, it wouldn't be fair to any one of us, yes, including Solo. No matter how terribly scared I was, I had to offer my heart to him on a platter and wait for him to do with it as he pleased. He could make me or break me. He had that power over me. He knew he did when he looked into my eyes.  
  
Duo, I would wait for you. Through the war, through the peace, if only you'd see me as myself, and not a replacement for Solo. I would wait for you to work out your feelings, for Solo, for me. I would wait for you in a place where you could always find me unwavering, with arms wide open. I would wait until you finally let go of him and come back to me. I would wait forever for you to say that you were mine.  
  
"I'll wait for you, Duo."  
  
My hoarse whisper bounced off the walls and echoed in the cold, dark room. As I leaned shakily against the doorframe, gazing at his gradually diminishing silhouette, an insistent beeping beckoned me to the laptop to receive an order from J. It was of top priority and required immediate action. Shoving the essentials into my knapsack, I bolted out the door.  
  
As I neared Wing, Deathscythe blasted into the night sky.  
  
It was purely by coincidence that I met him again on L2 3 days after.  
  
---The End. 


End file.
